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Chaos reigned in C2C HQ this past week, as the ratings for the last few months arrived and they revealed that Coast continues to slip in the coveted "tween" demographic. Despite their best efforts to appeal to girls aged 8 to 12, The Noor and company still could not establish a foothold in this goldmine of consumers.
My spies indicate that Coast suits spent the last few days brainstorming ways to raise awareness of the C2C brand amongst the tween age group, including a special George Noory "Build-A-Bear" and a Linda Moulton Howe makeup play set. However, market research told them that the special "Noor Bear" induced nightmares in 80% of all children and the LMH makeup set, produced in China, contained trace elements of lead and arsenic. Returning to the drawing board, they finally decided that they needed to emulate what was working in the marketplace and utilized another loophole in Richard C. Hoagland's "science advisor" contract to do just that. Enter ... Hoagie Montana: Esoteric Researcher by Day, Pop Star by Night. Coming soon to the Disney channel, Hoagie Montana will follow the dual life of teenager Ricky Hoagland as he struggles with school, girls, and the mysteries of Cydonia while also maintaining his secret career as David Bowie-esque glam pop star Hoagie Montana. |