This Mother's Day, after much tea sipping and fireplace watching, I have come to the unshakable conclusion that conspiracy theories, horrifying as they may be, are like babbling children. They can't be trusted, sometimes smell funny and repeatedly ask unanswerable questions. And when sternly provoked, sadly, they soil themselves.

Clearly, child rearing is a difficult and thankless job. No amount of face wiping or fingernail cleaning will improve their obnoxious manners. Of the more challenging infants I have met, the most unruly have claimed that Nazi's are floridating our water, the moon is a giant space ship and, my particular favorite, Jimmy Carter is made of mutilated cow parts.

Mutilated cow parts?

These ideas, I fear, are simply incorrigible. And I suspect they will turn out badly. Regrettable, really: they were so cute when they were little.

My dilemma, however, is to seem the concerned parent while cleverly abandoning my firstborn at the playground. A brutal task to be sure but -- painful as it may be -- the schoolyard must be conquered and progress must be made. And so, being the compassionate sort, I shall be brief and then crisply turn away, as if I have things to do and there's a cab waiting. Ready?

Gray aliens and flying saucers are manufactured on earth.

Shocking, isn't it? Take a moment to collect yourself.

As rebellious as the idea may seem, it makes sense. I suspect that Hitler and his henchmen were much further along with their study of occult ideology, genetics and exotic technologies than has been publicly acknowledged.

And perhaps, in a greedy lust for world domination, their exotic propulsion systems gave rise to the dreaded Foo Fighter, their horrific eugenics program and, eventually, the iconic flying saucer. It's definitely possible.

Furthermore, it is also possible that in their effort to triumph over the extreme physical perils of rapid air travel, they biologically engineered a ruthless and an easily controlled new species: the grays.

No one else on earth has experimented so deeply and so cruelly with human genetics and animal behavior. No one else perfected so rigorously diabolical a program as mass extermination and human mind control. And perhaps their exotic technologies and diabolical genetics programs persist today.

It's not so crazy.

And besides Joseph Farrell, infamous advocate of the Nazi Bell Theory and a definite member of the high school in-crowd, agrees with me.

So perhaps my little toddler will fare well after all. At the very least he's out their swinging on the monkey bars with all the other snot-nosed rascals. Who knows, someday he may grow up to be an actual historical fact.

It could happen.